Acne

I am a 37 year old woman with acne, I have had acne since I was probably 12/13 years old.

I knew I was going to have acne, since I was a little kid, it runs in the family so I was kind of mentally prepared for it. I was not close to understanding the repercussions it  would have on me, having acne throughout my life.

The reason for my  consistent acne is a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome (POS). A very simple way of explaining the condition is that my ovaries produce high levels of “male” hormones, more than an average woman and one of the side effects is nodulocystic acne. This is a type of acne that you cannot cure with soaps and creams. 

I have been in and out of dermatologist for most of my life and one memorable moment I had was when my dermatologist  told me “You will never stop having acne, you can only learn how to manage it”. I have never forgotten this statement since she shattered any hope I had left. 

Acne runs you down. Sometimes I would feel it was eating me up from the inside. It corroded my self-esteem and made me shy away from the world. It made me a depressed teen and made me think I was worthless and no one would ever love me. I hated my skin, I hated how ugly and deformed it made me look, how people would comment on it, etc. I hated the treatments and drugs I had to take, to control “this beast”. I struggled a lot, for many years. 

A negative side effect of having constant acne, is that I have also developed a bit of dermatillomania or excoriation disorder, which is a condition when you pick your skin when you feel anxious or stressed.  I am constantly trying to stop this old habit.

Sometimes I think that acne will never “leave me” even if I was able to reach clear skin, since it had such a big impact on my personality, during my teen development years. 

Eventually a moment came when I started to learn more about self-care, consequently self-lovel, and I can now say I have reached a point where I am OK with it.  I still don’t like having acne but I have learned how to control it, I have also learned how to control how acne affects me mentally and emotionally. 

One thing that helps me is being thankful for what I have (healthy body), rather than being upset for the things I don’t (clear skin). When I look in the mirror and I don’t like the scars I still have on my face and back, or I have acne popping up in my face, neck or back, I think to myself “You know what? I have an amazing body, I am healthy, I am smart, I can do sports that I love. Acne won’t stop me from being the best version of myself”. I have finally found a mantra that soothes me. 

I am Franca and this is personal.